Hillary Oat Healing

"Stories are memory aids, instruction manuals and moral compasses." Aleks Krotoski When I was teaching at the healing school, circa 1998-2012, we would frequently stop students from telling their stories. Why would we do that? At the time it was the best we knew to do. But there is a difference between telling our story and getting stuck and identified with our story, which is what we were trying to circumvent. Often I saw people shut down when they couldn't share what they had experienced. When we share with an openhearted, non-judgmental person, telling our story supports growth, recovery and healing. Our story elicits compassion, possible validation or new information. It also connects us to other human beings. I remember sharing that my family said I was such a bad baby my mother wanted to flush me down the toilet. In my family that story was told over and over to great peals of laughter. It became so much a part of who I was I never noticed how brutal an image it w...

  "I've come to feel downright uneasy with people who can't say no. What if they yes you to death and then secretly hate you for it? If they never say no, how can you trust their yes? Besides, no makes room for yes, and who doesn't want more room for that?”                                                  ― Kelly Corrigan Have you noticed how difficult it can be to say no? Our palms get sweaty, heart pounds and we prepare for fight or flight. When children are between 2 and 4 years old, NO is the word they use most. This is a normal developmental process about finding out who they are. A healthy parental response to a child’s no helps them learn about boundaries. Sadly not all of us have had a positive response to our no. Growing up, when I put my needs, wants, or desires ahead of others I was called difficult, stubborn and selfish. I was ostracized, w...

  When I was 7 years old I was so excited about Christmas I could barely contain myself. The Sears Christmas Catalog would arrive and my sister and I would study it intently, oo-ing and ahh-ing at all the wonderful presents Santa might bring. Christmas Eve we put on matching red velvet dresses and went to midnight mass at St. Joseph’s Church. The church smelled of candles, evergreen boughs and incense. Red poinsettia's created a wave of color around the altar. The carols we sang were familiar and sung with gusto. I fought to stay awake so I would not miss a single moment. Magic was in the air. When we returned home, we rushed into our pajamas to prepare for the arrival of that jolly man from the north pole. We carefully placed a plate of cookies on the kitchen counter along side a glass of milk. My parents tucked us into bed but our excitement made it hard to fall asleep. We listened intently for sleigh bells and reindeer hoofs on the roof until we finally drifted off. In the ...

“Our writing can transform us.” ― Sandra Marinella There are so many kinds of letters, "Dear John", "To Whom it may Concern" and yummy love letters. In the days before email I wrote a lot of letters and have kept a stack of them that were sent to me. It was a delight when one came in the mail. Now we tend to send email. Not quite as delightful, but it still can get the job done. I am inviting you to consider writing a different kind of letter. A letter to support healing old or new wounds. I had a difficult experience with someone awhile back. The relationship was broken but it bothered me the way it ended. I never shared my feelings or had a sense of peace with it. So there it sat, following me around like a shadow. One day I mentioned it to the therapist that has supported me through many a crisis over many years. She said "You're a writer. Have you thought about writing a letter?" Oddly I had not thought o...

  Red flags are moments of hesitation that determine our destination.” ― Mandy Hale I have been thinking about red flags lately. A red flag is something that draws our attention to a problem or danger. A physical red flag can signal wildfire danger or dangerous water conditions on a beach. Those are easy to see and pay attention to. The red flags we sense in our lives can be more difficult to act on. Red flags can signal danger in every aspect of our lives although we often relate them to relationship issues. It is interesting to consider where these red flag warnings come from. There is a witness aspect to our consciousness that seems to know more than we think. There is the saying "who is watching the watcher?". There can be an experience of pain, but then there is also the part of us that notices and observes the pain. We seem to be more than just bodies and brains. Perhaps...

 " Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom."                                                              ~ Viktor Frankl   The other day I got an email from Brene Brown called Creating Space. In it she talked about her experience of not having space and learning to pause. Recognizing the importance of a pause, she and her staff are taking a summer sabbatical to rest and refresh. That is one kind of space, and there are others. When I was growing up we were always rushed. If my mother wasn't early for something she thought she was late and she instilled that behavior in her child...

          "It's freaky, but it works, because energy isn't limited to a set spatial distance."                                                     ~ Bruce Lipton PhD     When I was training as a Brennan Healing Science (BHS) practitioner we were taught how to read an energy field from a distance and work with it to support a person's healing. While we were at school we would pair up and then when we got home we would work remotely and compare notes. It was great practice and confirmed for me that we are indeed all connected even if we are half a world apart. But for myself, I was reluctant to try remote healing. The BHS practitioner I was seeing lived a couple of hours away and it was an all day ...

   Hope is such a bait, it covers any hook. ~ Oliver Goldsmith As I watched the Senate hearing to confirm Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court I was aware of a painful familiarity in the way the proceedings were going. I saw classic baiting behavior. Baiting is a tactic used to deliberately provoke a reaction, usually anger, and is about power and control. It is poking the bear and then blaming the bear for growling. They bait, we react, they blame us for reacting and walk away feeling smug and superior. In the hearing, powerful people were charged with approving this appointment, or not. Judge Jackson is an extremely qualified candidate but in this circumstance, in that chamber, she had little power. She patiently answered questions, many of which seemed designed to get a reaction from her, the spectators or twitter. She is my hero and the poster person for not taking the bait. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship probably knows what it feels like to be...

“Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”                                                                             —Arthur Somers Roche Anxiety is so uncomfortable. It can range from a mild discomfort to a full blown panic attack. I do not know many people who are not feeling a level of anxiety these days. Anxiety is one of those things that sets us on edge, like a tightly coiled spring in the Jack-in-the box. We never know which turn of the crank is going to cause our heart to pound, and thoughts to be consumed with un...

    No one gets more upset than a narcissist accused of something they definitely did. Amen. There is a a big difference between being held accountable for a mistake and blame shifting. When a healthy person steps on our toes and we say "ouch", they are able and willing to apologize for the misstep. When a narcissist steps on our toes they will tell us it is our fault for putting toes under their foot. That is blame shifting. Blame is something all humans do from time to time. When I was a kid I remember getting into the "I did not", "You did too" shouting match a few times. But as we grow and mature, most of us develop enough inner strength and maturity to survive accountability. It can be uncomfortable, but the results are worth it. Empathy enables us to see how what we did impacted the other person. We learn that when we acknowledge a mistake we can grow from it and in so doing our relationships deepen, trust strengthens and our hearts open. Blame can ...

  “Your body is your best guide. It constantly tells you, in the form of pain or sensations, what’s working for you and what’s not.” ― Hina Hashmi   Go inside and listen to your body, because your body will never lie to you. Your mind will play tricks, but the way you feel in your heart, in your guts, is the truth. ~ Miguel Ruiz I have been in the process of writing this piece and this morning I saw a letter to Dear Abby that totally illustrated a point I was making. A woman had reconnected with an old flame from 30 years ago. His wife died a couple of years before. She was writing because she was concerned about what she called co-dependency between him and his daughter. She talked with him about her concerns and he basically blew it off saying it will be ok with time. She also said that the majority of their time is spent with daughter and granddaughter. She asked him for boundaries around t...

  “Across the history of time, music has been used in all cultures for healing and medicine,” ~Shilagh Mirgain, PhD. Recently, it seemed music was coming to me from all directions. My cousin told me about a country song by Anna Avery that made her think if me. Later I was checking YouTube subscriptions for new videos when I came across lists of songs to aid in recovery. It reminded me of how useful music is for healing.  Kahlil Gibran said "Music is the language of the spirit. It opens the secret language of life by bringing peace, abolishing strife". "I've found that no matter what life throws at me, music softens the blow." Said Bryce W. Anderson, and I would have to agree.  An interesting dynamic with humans, is that we can get caught in a loop of repeated thoughts and emotions, mostly the ones that don't feel good like worry, fear, hurt, and regret. When that happens it can set the tone for hours or even days. Knowing how to reset ourselves a...

  Vicious words drift away from their meanings  And the sun melts the chill from our lives  Helping us all to remember what we came here for  This is love This is la la la la love  This is love This is la la la la love                                     ~ George Harrison. Cloud Nine. Since it is Valentine's Day, it seems a good time to talk about LOVE. We actually do talk about it all the time. We love "this" and love "that", including everything from favorite people, chocolate lava cake, children, pets, to the feelings we get from a wide variety of experiences. We want it, and we need it. Many of us have created elaborate mechanisms and defenses just to insure we will get some. It is easy to say we need to love more and better, fully and unconditionally - but how? What do we do with a...

    "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou We could save ourselves a lot of grief if we follow Maya Angelou's sage advice: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." But we generally don't. At least I haven't. I read a ProPublica article where Logan Jaffe was recounting a piece written by one of his colleagues, Nicole Carr. Carr was wrestling with covid and difficult decisions about sending her kids to school. After attending a school orientation where lots of people were milling about meeting teachers and classmates, most not wearing masks and no social distancing to be seen, she was greatly concerned about the safety of her children. One teacher was asked if she would wear a mask when teaching. She said absolutely NOT. With emphasis on the not. Carr made an effort to find out what the school policies were and discovered a hard truth. The school district didn’t see itself as responsibl...

  Often we are not O.K., but acknowledging that doesn't mean we are weak, unacceptable humans or unworthy of connection. I read an article in the recent issue of the Buddhist magazine Lion's Roar by Sylvia Boorstein called "I'm Not O.K., You're Not O.K. - and That's O.K." What a relief! She relates a story of being on the train and the person next to her asked if she was ok. She said yes, she was ok. Then as an afterthought, she asked the woman, "are you ok?". The woman said no, she was not. What followed was an interesting exchange that brought compassion and connection to two strangers on a train. The problems were still there but listening and connection relieved the suffering. Around the same time I listened to a NICABM masterclass on the therapeutic use of compassion. One segment was on self compassion and it struck me how these two pieces were connected. What kind of standards do we hold ourselves to that we think we need to be O.K. all the...