Writing a Healing Letter
There are so many kinds of letters, "Dear John", "To Whom it may Concern" and yummy love letters. In the days before email I wrote a lot of letters and have kept a stack of them that were sent to me. It was a delight when one came in the mail. Now we tend to send email. Not quite as delightful, but it still can get the job done. I am inviting you to consider writing a different kind of letter. A letter to support healing old or new wounds.
I had a difficult experience with someone awhile back. The relationship was broken but it bothered me the way it ended. I never shared my feelings or had a sense of peace with it. So there it sat, following me around like a shadow. One day I mentioned it to the therapist that has supported me through many a crisis over many years. She said "You're a writer. Have you thought about writing a letter?" Oddly I had not thought of it, but the idea appealed to me.
It evolved into a healing process that amazed me. There were many versions of my letter, each one getting closer to the core issue and more authentic. It took me a long time to feel complete but there was no rush. When I finished a version I sent it to my therapist and we would discuss it in a session. Each time we did that I got clearer. My first version was me being the nice girl who doesn't want to upset any one. That eventually evolved into complaining, then hurt, blame and anger which I had not let myself feel before. None of these versions was sent and I hadn't decided if I would actually send anything. It wasn't about them anymore.
The process had little to do with correcting and admonishing the "bad person". It was all about me. My feelings. My need to say ouch when I was hurt, and to risk asserting myself. So many old messages and beliefs went through my mind as I wrote. I was afraid they wouldn't believe me, that they would tell me I was wrong or I had no right or even that they would attack me. In my past none of what I was attempting was "allowed" and it actually felt quite risky to tell someone they hurt me. I expected to get killed, metaphorically speaking. Each time I produced a version, my wonderful therapist would give me supportive feedback that helped clarify my intention. Why was I writing? What did I want? It sounds strange to say that I had no idea what I wanted when I started, but by the time I finished it was obvious. I wanted someone to listen and care that I was hurt.
After laundry lists of "this is what you did", I got to a place of clarity that said "I had a bad experience with you and I want you to know why". It was a couple of clear concise paragraphs that felt empowered, not whiny. In the end, I did decide to email the letter. They responded right away with a boilerplate apology but, most importantly, they responded and I wasn't killed. The experience that had been bothering me for so long was done. Finito.
I encourage you to try it. Write to anyone, living or dead, that "done you wrong", or any situation that is hanging over you. Do it the way you want to. Hand write with fancy paper and a fountain pen, or write it on the computer. I liked the computer because it allowed me to keep all the versions and track the process. It also made it easy to edit, revise and share. Obviously this is a process piece and not a love letter so you may get the juicy benefit just from writing. Some of my suggestions for doing this in a healing way are:
1. Take your time. Write. Sit with it. Review. Edit. Rewrite. Sit. Ask yourself what your purpose is. What is it you need? Get the idea? I tend to move quickly and sometimes I regret that. What slowed me down was working with my therapist. I would write and then a week or two later we would talk. It really helped me to pay close attention and not rush.
2. If you have a therapist, consider roping them into your process. They can provide valuable feedback.
3. Feel the feelings that come up. Notice the words that want to come. Let the words come, especially the ones you are ashamed or afraid of. Notice if you are holding back, being nice, or are afraid to upset anyone with the truth. Acknowledge that and then move forward into more open communication. Let the words evolve and express hurt, anger, blame, grief, betrayal, frustration, disappointment or whatever else is there. This is for you and you cannot do this wrong. No one will read it unless you decide to share, so you might as well put it all out there and learn from it.
4. Let the process run it's course. There is no rush. I kept revising until no new words came and I was free of my angst.
5. When it is done, give it time to steep. Do you want to send it? What are your hopes? Are there expectations? Needs? My decision to send the letter reflected a need to step out of my comfort zone, to say ouch and call things as I saw them.
The most important thing to remember is that this is your process. Dean Ornish said that awareness is the first step in healing. Let writing a letter take you to deeper awareness and freedom.
Copyright 2022 by Hillary Gauvreau Oat Also available at Hillary Oat Healing
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