Just Say No

 "I've come to feel downright uneasy with people who can't say no. What if they yes you to death and then
secretly hate you for it? If they never say no, how can you trust their yes? Besides, no makes room for yes, and who doesn't want more room for that?” 

                                               ― Kelly Corrigan

Have you noticed how difficult it can be to say no? Our palms get sweaty, heart pounds and we prepare for fight or flight.

When children are between 2 and 4 years old, NO is the word they use most. This is a normal developmental process about finding out who they are. A healthy parental response to a child’s no helps them learn about boundaries. Sadly not all of us have had a positive response to our no. Growing up, when I put my needs, wants, or desires ahead of others I was called difficult, stubborn and selfish. I was ostracized, which felt like death. Lesson learned. Saying no means bad things will happen. I imagine I am not alone with that experience. But we are not children anymore and learning how to say no is an important healthy practice for setting boundaries.

Lets consider our options.

- We can submit by always saying yes. Try to make the best of it. Swallow our feelings and preferences until we feel sick. A wise person once told me there is no YES unless we can say NO. Brooke Medicine Eagle taught that if you cannot say a full enthusiastic YES, try a maybe and give yourself time to process.

- We can avoid saying anything or being disagreeable. We can’t say yes and we fear saying no, so we remain quiet. That creates resistance, withholding and passive aggressive behavior. Ever had the experience where you asked someone for something and they never gave you a straight answer? Maybe they said yes, but then procrastinated until you gave up on them. Avoidance is the equivalent of emotional gridlock.

- We can feel powerless and blame the other person for not “letting us” have our no. Our NO isn’t something anyone can take from us. But we can give it away.

- Finally, and this will take courage, is to find a way to say NO and speak honestly, simply and clearly without blame or hostility. The first few times may feel awkward or uncomfortable. But, like playing the violin, we get better at it with practice. I have found that focusing my no on my needs, and keeping it simple without lots of explanation and apologies works the best. When we get a positive response to our no, which will happen more often than you think, we feel good about ourselves and closer to others.

I don’t have a magic formula for how to do this, but at some point we will come to a moment when the choice becomes clear. We cannot say yes when every cell in our body is screaming no. That is the turning point.

From there we figure it out. We don’t need permission or approval. No need to walk on egg shells trying to find the right words, or tie ourselves in knots of what ifs. Whatever happens after our NO, we will handle it. Others will respect us and we will respect ourselves, which is the most important thing.

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