Red Flags are a Flapping

 Red flags are moments of hesitation that determine our destination.” ― Mandy Hale

I have been thinking about red flags lately. A red flag is something that draws our attention to a problem or danger. A physical red flag can signal wildfire danger or dangerous water conditions on a beach. Those are easy to see and pay attention to. The red flags we sense in our lives can be more difficult to act on. Red flags can signal danger in every aspect of our lives although we often relate them to relationship issues.

It is interesting to consider where these red flag warnings come from. There is a witness aspect to our consciousness that seems to know more than we think. There is the saying "who is watching the watcher?". There can be an experience of pain, but then there is also the part of us that notices and observes the pain. We seem to be more than just bodies and brains. Perhaps instinct and intuition are the same as the witness. Where ever it comes from, it is a useful "yoohoo" tap on the shoulder to pay attention.

I break down red flags into two kinds: "In Your Face" and Subtle.

Some flags are tiny pink ones like you find in tropical cocktails, and some are gigantic deep red flappers. It is in our best interest to pay attention to all of them and respond accordingly.

"In Your Face" Red flags.

There are observable behaviors that are red flags.

1. Lack of verbal communication including witholding and the silent treatment

2. Disrespecting boundaries

3. Lack of trust on either side of the equation

4. Unreliable behavior

5. Controlling behavior

6. Friends and family question the relationship

7. They dwell on past relationships

8. Feeling insecure

9. They won't compromise or apologize

10. Abusive behavior of the physical, emotional or psychological

I would add pain, whether physical, mental or emotional, as the biggest red flag there is.

Subtle Red Flags are harder to spot in real time, but pop out in neon when we look back. These warnings flap in our gut or can be a little voice in the back of our mind posing questions or observations, like "I don't think he/she is telling the truth".

A red flag doesn't have to mean the sky is falling, but it does alert us to something we need to attend to. The red flag on the beach tells us it is dangerous to go in the water, so we choose to stay safe and swim another day. When we notice a red flag, explore what it means and what we need. Then sit down and talk about it without blame or defensiveness. We hope the other person, or organization, listens to our thoughts, cares about it, and the issue gets resolved. We feel closer and trust is strengthened. It takes a secure and courageous person to hear and speak the truth. If that isn't happening much of the time, start being curious. All too often we are afraid to raise our red flag concerns, especially if they haven't been received in a safe way. If speaking up is new territory, get some support from books, therapists, life coaches, family members or friends you trust. There are ways to communicate our concerns that are not hostile or aggressive and support connection. Relationships can be functional, but distant, if we do not risk speaking and hearing the truth.

There were times when I ignored that little voice warning me of danger. I clearly heard the flapping but shoved it aside because I did not want to rock my boat. We often put blinders on to things we don't want to see because we want what we want, are afraid, or we think we can handle the situation. It is only in hindsight that we see clearly how we could have avoided a hot mess. It is through experience and mindfulness that we are able to learn how to see a red flag and act in our own best interest. That isn't selfish. It is sensible self care.

What I am trying to do, and my hope for all of us, is to heed the warnings and to respond in a healthy way with positive regard. That means being honest with ourselves, letting go of our agendas, screwing up our courage, and accepting disappointments and mistakes. We will be better for it. My hope is that when we look back, we do not regret overlooked red flags because we responded well to them in the moment.

Be well. Be brave. Be you.

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