When We Are Not OK

 


Often we are not O.K., but acknowledging that doesn't mean we are weak, unacceptable humans or unworthy of connection.

I read an article in the recent issue of the Buddhist magazine Lion's Roar by Sylvia Boorstein called "I'm Not O.K., You're Not O.K. - and That's O.K."

What a relief! She relates a story of being on the train and the person next to her asked if she was ok. She said yes, she was ok. Then as an afterthought, she asked the woman, "are you ok?". The woman said no, she was not. What followed was an interesting exchange that brought compassion and connection to two strangers on a train. The problems were still there but listening and connection relieved the suffering.

Around the same time I listened to a NICABM masterclass on the therapeutic use of compassion. One segment was on self compassion and it struck me how these two pieces were connected. What kind of standards do we hold ourselves to that we think we need to be O.K. all the time? Can we remember that we are all a part of humanity, that we are in a pool of folks that have suffered in the same way we are suffering? Can we be kind to ourselves and admit that none of this was what we chose, but here it is. What opportunities for support may be missed by not admitting our vulnerable not-OK-ness? It takes courage to share our vulnerability, just ask Brene Brown about that. It is her field of expertise and she has a great TED talk on that. Because we do not know how we will be received, or even IF we will be received, it takes courage and a willingness to be authentically who we are with all our beautiful imperfections. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, so to speak. Definitely worth the risk and certainly survivable. Others might not know what to do with us, but consider it our training program in authenticity.

I was talking to a client the other day, who is also a student of healing, about how we don't fix anyone. That is not our work. Our work is about listening to the not-OK-ness, being compassionate in our listening, supporting their healing process and letting the person know that we are willing to be with them in their time of trouble. That is enough and it is, in itself, catalytic for healing and transformation. As the Buddha said, in life there is pain, but suffering is optional.

My hope is that the next time someone asks me if I am O.K., I will take a moment to really check in and share what is true, maybe without all the grizzley details. Likewise my hope is they will be willing to listen. But even if they walk away in horror, I will make this attempt. I promise to try to be there to listen as well. We are really all we have, let's make the most of it.

Check out Kristin Neff's compassion work


I dedicate this blog to Linda Dierks who always encouraged my writing. God's speed Linda.




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