Don't Take the Bait
As I watched the Senate hearing to confirm Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court I was aware of a painful familiarity in the way the proceedings were going. I saw classic baiting behavior. Baiting is a tactic used to deliberately provoke a reaction, usually anger, and is about power and control. It is poking the bear and then blaming the bear for growling. They bait, we react, they blame us for reacting and walk away feeling smug and superior.
In the hearing, powerful people were charged with approving this appointment, or not. Judge Jackson is an extremely qualified candidate but in this circumstance, in that chamber, she had little power. She patiently answered questions, many of which seemed designed to get a reaction from her, the spectators or twitter. She is my hero and the poster person for not taking the bait.
Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship probably knows what it feels like to be baited. In the beginning we see the lure, not the hook. The first time we experience baiting we feel hurt and confused and try to understand, fix it, and work it out. It must be a misunderstanding. The second time we are surprised and think perhaps we are not explaining our injury clearly enough so we try again. The third time it is clear that there is something else going on. Much like Charlie Brown getting the football pulled away at the last second by Lucy, we want to believe this time will be different. Hope covers any hook.
Baiting happens in a lot of different ways, some subtle and some not. On the surface it can seem like the bait-er is perfectly reasonable and rational, helpful even. But below the surface the hook is dangling and only the person being baited is aware that their sensitive vulnerabilities are being targeted.
Bait, no matter how juicy always has a hook in it. The point of baiting is to get a reaction and react we do. It is very difficult not to defend ourselves when we are accused of something we didn't do, especially when we aren't aware of what is really going on. It is a sucker punch. The bait-er remains coolly in control while we get red in the face, defend our honor, and illustrate to those less informed, that we are indeed a handful to deal with. Keep in mind we are being manipulated, and anger is a normal reaction. Tegwyn Fietz says it eloquently. "Nobody else sees the lure and the bait beneath the surface, they only ever see the flailing fish on the end of the hook, once it breaks the surface." (The Three Baited Lures of Narcissism by Tegwyn Fietze)
No one sees what we see. No one knows what we know. Combined with low empathy, gaslighting, and triangulation, the abuse has a impact that is cumulative. It creates confusion, cognitive dissonance, and suffering. We become hyper-vigilant (walking on egg shells or ground glass as Dr. Ramani puts it) and lose our confidence.
Once we figure out we are being manipulated, we can try swallowing our feelings and their provocations, but that is equivalent to swallowing poison. We can fight it out, but we will never win on their turf. Sometimes we just lose it and look like the "crazy unstable person" they say we are.
There are better options than drinking poison or feeling crazy. We can reclaim ourselves, and our sanity once we stop trying to kick the football.
1. DON'T TAKE THE BAIT. Be a smart fish, and swim on by. You now know it is bait and there is a big nasty hook in there. I am sure you can figure out ways to swim by, but the most important thing is to be Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson. Be neutral. Be calm. Do your best not to engage in their game of gotcha.
2. Get support. People who know you, and believe you, are invaluable at a time like this. A therapist, experienced and knowledgeable about trauma and narcissistic abuse, is worth their weight in gold.
3. Know what you are up against. Get as much information as you can about narcissism, emotional and psychological abuse and trauma. Knowledge is power and will keep you from being lured into the toxic person's ever shifting alternate reality.
4. Get out of Dodge. If you can, get out of this situation. It will erode your mental and physical health. If you can't leave for good, leave short term. You can acknowledge their upset and tell them you have to take a call or have an appointment and will be back later to discuss the issue with them. Chances are they will not bring it up again because it is BAIT and not a real issue. Do not feel guilty about refusing to be baited. This is not a healthy situation and you need to care for yourself. If that means ducking out on an argument, so be it. If they accuse you of running away, so be it. It is healthy and reasonable to avoid destructive no-win fights that go nowhere. Be the healthy one.
Take care. Be yourself.
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