Blame Shifting

  

No one gets more upset than a narcissist accused of something they definitely did. Amen.

There is a a big difference between being held accountable for a mistake and blame shifting. When a healthy person steps on our toes and we say "ouch", they are able and willing to apologize for the misstep. When a narcissist steps on our toes they will tell us it is our fault for putting toes under their foot. That is blame shifting.

Blame is something all humans do from time to time. When I was a kid I remember getting into the "I did not", "You did too" shouting match a few times. But as we grow and mature, most of us develop enough inner strength and maturity to survive accountability. It can be uncomfortable, but the results are worth it. Empathy enables us to see how what we did impacted the other person. We learn that when we acknowledge a mistake we can grow from it and in so doing our relationships deepen, trust strengthens and our hearts open. Blame can still happen because we all get scared and defensive from time to time, but healthy individuals are willing to come back into contact with the other person and sort things out. That is what we strive for in the messy art of relationship.

Blame shifting is a form of verbal abuse and all verbal abuse is about power and control, the cornerstones of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It is based in a lie, takes advantage of our vulnerabilities and deflects the conversation away from the problem at hand to avoid accountability. It is a form of gaslighting.

If we go back to stepped on toes, before you know it there is a fight about how big your toes are, how clumsy you are and if you only gave them the space they deserved your toes would be fine. Head spinning, the person with crushed toes ends up apologizing. Again and again. The common feature to look for is the repeated use of the word YOU from the person presented with the issue. No matter how carefully and thoughtfully we bring an issue to someone with NPD, it will be our fault. Blame shifting works really well and before we know it our issue is forgotten and we have spent an hour defending our big toes. If being blamed for bringing an issue to the table makes you angry, you will be blamed for that as well. It is a no win situation. Most of us have no idea what is going on and end up defending ourselves, expending a lot of bandwidth explaining and hoping for a shred of validation. It is important that we become aware that when we feel frustrated, uncomfortable and angry, something is going on. We are not too sensitive or just angry people. Something is going on and we need to pay attention. This is not the way healthy people solve problems. 
 
If this is happening in your relationship, you can try to firmly bring the conversation back to the issue by saying something like "I can see you are upset about XYZ. We can talk about it later if you like." Stay on topic. It is normal to have issues and feelings, so please do not apologize for that. Keep your words simple and focused. If the other person continues to deflect and blame, end the conversation because it is going no where good.

We all hope for the best when we relate to people we care about. Healthy people are willing to work on their communication and conflict resolution skills and things can change. I am all for giving people a chance when an issue arises. However, if deflection and blame is happening over and over again and the quality of your relationship is in the dumper, Kenny Rogers has some words of wisdom: "You've got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away And know when to run."

Be well. Be wise. Be yourself.










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