Hillary Oat Healing

    "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou We could save ourselves a lot of grief if we follow Maya Angelou's sage advice: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." But we generally don't. At least I haven't. I read a ProPublica article where Logan Jaffe was recounting a piece written by one of his colleagues, Nicole Carr. Carr was wrestling with covid and difficult decisions about sending her kids to school. After attending a school orientation where lots of people were milling about meeting teachers and classmates, most not wearing masks and no social distancing to be seen, she was greatly concerned about the safety of her children. One teacher was asked if she would wear a mask when teaching. She said absolutely NOT. With emphasis on the not. Carr made an effort to find out what the school policies were and discovered a hard truth. The school district didn’t see itself as responsibl

  Often we are not O.K., but acknowledging that doesn't mean we are weak, unacceptable humans or unworthy of connection. I read an article in the recent issue of the Buddhist magazine Lion's Roar by Sylvia Boorstein called "I'm Not O.K., You're Not O.K. - and That's O.K." What a relief! She relates a story of being on the train and the person next to her asked if she was ok. She said yes, she was ok. Then as an afterthought, she asked the woman, "are you ok?". The woman said no, she was not. What followed was an interesting exchange that brought compassion and connection to two strangers on a train. The problems were still there but listening and connection relieved the suffering. Around the same time I listened to a NICABM masterclass on the therapeutic use of compassion. One segment was on self compassion and it struck me how these two pieces were connected. What kind of standards do we hold ourselves to that we think we need to be O.K. all the

  Truth emerges more readily from error than from confusion. ~ Francis Bacon Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you didn't know what was going on? Confusion is a common state of being when in a relationship with a narcissist, and probably other toxic situations as well. It can feel as if our wheels are stuck in mud. Decision making is impaired. We feel off balance and doubt ourselves. We don't know what to believe which creates stress and anxiety. The narcissist is a moving target, protecting themselves from accountability and causing serious psychological damage to others. There are several ways we get our brains scrambled up in a narcissistic relationship. First, truth is a fluid commodity to a narcissist. They will say things that elevate them in the moment, even if it contradicts the last moment. For example, the narcissist may say they got a graduate degree from Columbia. Next time they share they never went to graduate school because they are too s

  “I don't care what you think unless it is about me.” ― Kurt Cobain What is narcissism? I used to think it was simply someone who was full of themselves. We have all been in a group where one person takes over the conversation. No matter what topic gets mentioned that person tells you everything they know about it or steers the conversation back to themselves. Narcissism occurs on a spectrum from low to high. At the low end it might look like our friend who is full of himself. He/She is mildly annoying but we put up with it because they have enough other traits we appreciate. The high end of narcissism is "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and is destructive, cruel and abusive. And there are all the degrees in between. Narcissism is a Cluster-B personality disorder. I think the best description is a disordered personality. Unlike other mental health issues the consensus is that this is not mental illness and a person does have the ability to change, if they want to

  “Narcissists withhold affection to punish you. Withhold attention to get revenge. And withhold an emotional empathetic response to make you feel insecure.” ― Alice Little, Narcissistic Abuse Truths There are lots of different kinds of abusive relationships and domestic violence situations, but narcissistic abuse is particularly insidious because the damage is to the core of our being. When we have been in a narcissistically abusive relationship it is not uncommon to feel blindsided and betrayed because we have been. Anyone who is in a relationship with a narcissist, whether at work, in a family, a church or with a spouse, went into it with an open heart and a belief that we are all good people. Sadly, that is not always the case, and it's a tough lesson to learn. No matter how hard it is to wrap our heads around, there are cruel people out there. It is helpful, although maybe not the complete solution, to know

   Empathy (noun) is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Empathetic (adjective) is showing an ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Empaths not only understand feelings in another, but actually sense and feel them as if they’re part of their own experience. Are you an empath? If yes, you may notice that you run into narcissists everywhere you go. They are in your family, your work place; some are friends, and some are lovers. Is that coincidence or something else? I don't know if there is an absolute answer here but there exists an interesting attraction between narcissists and empaths. Narcissists, are self absorbed, low empathy individuals with an array of behaviors that can range from annoying to dangerous. They seek out, consciously or unconsciously, people who will give them the devotion they desire. When disappointed, or thwarted, they express rage, passive aggressive anger, withholding, and blaming. An empath is the opposite.

    It's always tease tease tease. You're happy when I'm on my knees. One day is fine and next is black. So if you want me off your back, Well come on and let me know - Should I stay or should I go? ~ The Clash     Psychologists agree that, narcissists will most likely not change. You have probably gone back and forth, weighing pro's and con's, giving second chances, until one day you accept this truth. You can stay with eyes wide open, coping, or you can leave. These are hard decisions to make because whatever we decide we have to let go of what we hoped for; our dream job, financial security, a close family or the love of our lives. There is no rushing that process and we are the only ones who know what we need and when. One day we realize our suffering is too much and we let go. We may let go of the relationship, or the relationship we wanted it to be. Courage wells up, we face our regrets and move forward. I have nothing but the

  Saying nothing sometimes says the most.                                      ~Emily Dickinson The light bulb is on and all the pieces have dropped into place. You now know you are not crazy and want to shout that from the roof tops. However, knowing you are in the company of a narcissist and telling people about it, are two entirely different things. It is a relief to have the crazy making confusion and chaos make sense and of course you want to talk about it. "Narcissist" is a very descriptive word to someone such as yourself, who has experienced abuse and understands the implications. But, as tempting as it is, calling out your friend, neighbor, boss, family member or spouse as a narcissist is not a wise move Telling your story is an important step toward owning your power and moving forward in your recovery. However, who you talk to, and how, makes a difference. You may know one person who has walked with you on this journey and seen all that has gone down, and know th