Don't Say the N (Narcissist) Word
~Emily Dickinson
The light bulb is on and all the pieces have dropped into place. You now know you are not crazy and want to shout that from the roof tops. However, knowing you are in the company of a narcissist and telling people about it, are two entirely different things. It is a relief to have the crazy making confusion and chaos make sense and of course you want to talk about it. "Narcissist" is a very descriptive word to someone such as yourself, who has experienced abuse and understands the implications. But, as tempting as it is, calling out your friend, neighbor, boss, family member or spouse as a narcissist is not a wise move
Telling your story is an important step toward owning your power and moving forward in your recovery. However, who you talk to, and how, makes a difference. You may know one person who has walked with you on this journey and seen all that has gone down, and know they will understand. You blurt out how you saw the book, video, article on narcissism and that it explained everything. You feel validated and the fog of confusion has evaporated. They may not understand everything you are saying, but they care, hear you out and are happy for you. That is so helpful and you are fortunate to have that person in your life. Give them a hug!
Two other thoughts may now enter your mind. First, you want to confront the narcissistic person who has perpetrated this abuse and make them accountable. That is not going to happen. Remember who you are dealing with. Remember how it went every other time you brought your concerns to them. The new information makes the situation different only to you. Confronting them will trigger their shame and vulnerability and they will not be grateful for that. They will go through their usual behaviors of blame, projection and gaslighting, topping it off with rage and/or extended silence. That will not help you and it will make no difference to them. Keep your new found awareness to yourself, but do act on what you know. Begin to slowly pull back on your freely offered support, understanding and compassionate heart. Pull back on the attention, the care taking, the excuses and praise. You were doing most of that to placate the narcissist anyway. When they react to the changes with anger and blame, keep your cool. Truth is, they can, and will, do whatever they want to do. But that is also true for you. Your new found understanding means you can choose not to play the narcissist's game anymore.
Second, you will want to grab people by the lapels, look them in the eye and tell them what you have discovered. You may want them to validate you and shun the narcissist in a show of support. This is a normal reaction and would feel great, except that people tend to react badly to labeling. They will want to know how you know. They might not believe you. They might think you are the problem. That is really going to hurt and set you back. So what can you do? Do you keep it all to yourself? Short answer is yes, keep it to yourself. You have no control over what they do. Getting validation and justice is not going to happen. Narcissists rarely change and sadly, the only way people will understand what you have been through is if they experience it themselves. Over and over people give the benefit of the doubt to abusers, unless they become the target themselves. The best course of action is to gently disengage from the narcissist and move forward into your new healthy life.
If you are in a situation where you have to talk about the narcissist, for instance in court, focus on behavior. Dr. Ramini’s C. R. A. V. E. D. approach let’s people draw their own conclusions, or not. The label is far less important than the experience. C.R.A.V.E.D. is an acronym for painful narcissistic behaviors including Conflict, Rigidity, Antagonism, Vulnerability (vindictive and victimized too.), Entitlement and finally Dysregulation or reactivity. For example you can say there was a lot of fighting, lying and conflict. That this person needed everything to go his/her way or he/she flew into a rage. Got it? All of that pretty clearly describes narcissism, but people are much more willing to hear what you experienced than a label that doesn’t mean anything to them.
Bottom line? Don’t use the “N” word. It will not suppport your recovery. People will see what they see, or not. You do not need to defend your choices or explain anything to anyone. The only person who needs to know the truth is you.
Wishing you well. Be happy, be safe.
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