Narcissists and Empaths...Empathy and Boundaries

 

 Empathy (noun) is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Empathetic (adjective) is showing an ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Empaths not only understand feelings in another, but actually sense and feel them as if they’re part of their own experience.

Are you an empath? If yes, you may notice that you run into narcissists everywhere you go. They are in your family, your work place; some are friends, and some are lovers. Is that coincidence or something else? I don't know if there is an absolute answer here but there exists an interesting attraction between narcissists and empaths.

Narcissists, are self absorbed, low empathy individuals with an array of behaviors that can range from annoying to dangerous. They seek out, consciously or unconsciously, people who will give them the devotion they desire. When disappointed, or thwarted, they express rage, passive aggressive anger, withholding, and blaming.

An empath is the opposite. Overflowing with compassion, sensitive to feelings, empaths feel pain in another as their own. This is not a problem as long as the empath is aware this is happening. But all too often empaths have porous boundaries and lose themselves as they merge with another's feelings. They will often value the needs of others over their own.

Here is where the opposites attract. An empath is devoted to holding, helping and healing. A narcissist is looking for someone who will be eternally devoted to them and them alone. Can you see where this is going? Dr. Yevette Erasmus refers to it as a shortcut to hell.

Empaths believe that compassion can heal all wounds and someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has a full basket of wounds. Sadly, the empath will be working a lot harder on healing those wounds than the narcissist will be. They will take everything the empath has to offer and more. If both of these people went into this relationship with eyes wide open, I would say "have at it". But that is not the case. The "we are all good people" blinders, and the focus on others, keeps empaths from knowing the abuse that is happening to them.

At first the narcissist appears to be grateful for all the loving attention, but as is usually the case, they get bored and begin blaming, criticizing and devaluing the empath. The empath should walk away at that point, but that is not what empaths do. They redouble efforts to understand and offer compassion. Then an interesting switcheroo happens. Empaths are willing to take on gobs of responsibility, for everyone and everything, even if it isn't theirs. If there is no communication, they share more. If there are bad moods, they bring cheer. The empath starts to believe the blame the narcissist is laying on them. They have thoughts like "maybe I didn't care enough" or "maybe I shouldn't get angry" or "maybe I should have been better at _____(fill in the blank)". They try harder to understand and be supportive. The narcissist gaslights the empath and the empath gaslights themselves. You get the idea. Narcissists love that empaths are relentless in their caring and its obvious how they would attract each other.

So what can empaths do to protect themselves and still be their compassionate selves?

First, remember, the only person we can change is ourselves.

Write that on a dozen post-its and stick it all over the house. A personality disorder can not be fixed with compassion. Does it help to be empathetic? Yes, of course. But in a relationship with a narcissist, whether work, home, family, or friend, notice if we care more about their healing than they do. The feelings we have are information and we need to pay attention to what that information is telling us. If we are feeling insecure, anxious, angry and hyper-vigilant, it may not be about us, even if the narcissist says it is!

Having empathy is a very good thing. Empaths with healthy boundaries are some of the finest people on the planet. Where empaths get off track is in not establishing boundaries around compassion. Setting boundaries can be challenging for an empath because saying no feels like the opposite of compassion. Boundaries protect our personal space, and integrity. Decide what is needed to protect that space. It may mean promising to walk away from a blaming diatribe. Set those boundaries and be consistent holding them.

Finally, empaths are generous at giving second, third and fourth chances. Don't do it! As Maya Angelou says, when someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. Stop making excuses for abusive behavior. Every time an abuser gets another chance the trauma bond is strengthened. A trauma bond is an unhealthy emotional attachment that comes from repeated alternating cycles of abuse and positive reinforcement. The longer we allow the cycle, the stronger the bond.

Know when to leave. Empaths tend to stay way too long in abusive situations hoping for change. Narcissists rarely change. Get support. There are no points for difficulty and we don't have to do this alone.

I hope this blog has been helpful. If it resonates for you, I encourage you to do more reading and research. Get thee to a therapist, meditate, and start keeping a journal. Please take good care. You are all you've got!