Confusion in a Narcissistic Relationship

 

Truth emerges more readily from error than from confusion. ~ Francis Bacon

Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you didn't know what was going on? Confusion is a common state of being when in a relationship with a narcissist, and probably other toxic situations as well. It can feel as if our wheels are stuck in mud. Decision making is impaired. We feel off balance and doubt ourselves. We don't know what to believe which creates stress and anxiety. The narcissist is a moving target, protecting themselves from accountability and causing serious psychological damage to others.

There are several ways we get our brains scrambled up in a narcissistic relationship. First, truth is a fluid commodity to a narcissist. They will say things that elevate them in the moment, even if it contradicts the last moment. For example, the narcissist may say they got a graduate degree from Columbia. Next time they share they never went to graduate school because they are too smart for that. They survived a terrible car accident, and then the story is that it wasn't that bad. When asked what is true, thinking they probably misspoke and will correct the mistake, they get angry, deny and blame us for questioning them. It can feel like we are losing our minds.

Narcissists are master manipulators and skilled at keeping us off balance. The more off balance we are the easier it is to control the relationship. Control is the goal. Control and power. Cognitive dissonance, is the uncomfortable feeling of having two, or more, contradictory thoughts. Remember the old image of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, each vying for your attention? It's like that. We believe we are in a normal relationship with someone who cares about us, but the behavior is abusive. One day the boss is kind, supportive and helpful. The next day the conversation is denied and we are blamed for messing up a project. One day we are swept off our feet and the next day ignored. We keep trying to work with the relationship but because it is not aligned with how we believe relationships work, we stay confused. Why isn't the communication working? Is the boss kind and supportive or is he a tyrant? Is my partner loving or cold? Confusion piles on more confusion. We start to doubt ourselves and our experience of reality. We try harder to meet demands to keep the boss, friend or lover happy which is exactly the kind of attention the narcissist craves.

The behavior that causes cognitive dissonance is called gaslighting. First comes the lie, then comes the lie about the lie. The term is derived from a 1944 film called Gaslight where a husband uses trickery to convince his wife she is crazy. When we refer to a situation and the other person denies it ever happened, that is gaslighting. When it happens over and over it causes a person to become disoriented, and distressed.

We know we are experiencing cognitive dissonance when we doubt our memory and experiences. Can we trust ourselves to know what we perceive? This is significant psychological abuse. What can we do?

First it is important to recognize what is going on. We may notice a book in the library or a video shows up on YouTube or a friend starts talking about an eerily similar situation. Maybe we got into therapy to fix "our problems", and the therapist started noticing patterns. However the awareness comes, grab it and run with it. Diving into information will let us know we are not alone or crazy. Once that light bulb goes on it is a real game changer. If possible, get into therapy with someone who is familiar and experienced with narcissistic abuse. I cannot stress that enough. Being in a narcissistic relationship is a slippery slope. One day we are strong, clear and confident and the next we are second guessing ourselves and confused. Validation and an objective reality check that a therapist can provide is so important to recovery. One silver lining of covid, and there aren't many, is most therapists are working online which gives everyone safe opportunities.

I also strongly encourage journaling. Jot down the experience including the details of what happened, and how it felt. Later when we are questioning our sanity, blaming ourselves or believing the narcissist's version of reality, go back and read what you wrote. A journal helps us remember what really happened and shows patterns of behavior.

It is also very helpful to share our story with a trusted friend, someone who knows us well and cares. Trust is the key. It is unwise to share your vulnerable story with someone who will doubt or blame you.

Practice self care and self compassion. Easy to say but can be a challenge if this is foreign territory. Get a checkup at the doctor, meditate, ditch the junk food and get some exercise. All of that can feel overwhelming when we are depressed, anxious and confused, so take one thing at a time. Lean into self care. I also recommend Dr. Kristin Neff's work on self compassion. She has guided meditations available at no cost.

The most important step we can make is to become aware of what is happening. Once we know what is going on, the fog of confusion dissolves and life starts making sense. Read about narcissistic abuse, watch helpful videos from reputable people, and keep a written record. Knowing what we know will offer choices and tools for coping with narcissism, whether we stay or leave.