Should I Stay or Should I Go?

 

 

It's always tease tease tease. You're happy when I'm on my knees. One day is fine and next is black. So if you want me off your back, Well come on and let me know - Should I stay or should I go? ~ The Clash

 

 

Psychologists agree that, narcissists will most likely not change. You have probably gone back and forth, weighing pro's and con's, giving second chances, until one day you accept this truth. You can stay with eyes wide open, coping, or you can leave.

These are hard decisions to make because whatever we decide we have to let go of what we hoped for; our dream job, financial security, a close family or the love of our lives. There is no rushing that process and we are the only ones who know what we need and when. One day we realize our suffering is too much and we let go. We may let go of the relationship, or the relationship we wanted it to be. Courage wells up, we face our regrets and move forward. I have nothing but the greatest love and respect for anyone having to make this difficult decision.

Leaving. Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissists knows how destructive it is. Most people would tell you to run and don't look back. But you are not "most people" and you have to do what feels best for your situation. If you make the decision to leave, make a plan and just do it. It is my advice, for what it's worth, that you get lots of support and you keep your plans confidential until you are ready to make your move. This is a vulnerable place to be and sharing with anyone that may judge or discourage you is just opening to a world of more confusion and grief. Share with your therapist, best friend or trusted family member. Do not share on social media or make an announcement at work until your plan is in motion, and maybe not even then. You do not need anyone second guessing you or creating doubt about your hard won decision.

After you leave, go "no contact" if you can. Keep communication short, all business and only when absolutely necessary. Do not text to check in, or respond to any unnecessary texts, emails or calls, no matter how curious you are. Be strong. Look back at your journal entries and remind yourself why you made this decision. If you have no reason to be in communication, block their phone number. There is nothing worse than having a great day in your new life ruined by a text message. Just hearing the "ping" can trigger a trauma response. Social media can be the worst, so attend to your privacy settings. Block AND unfriend thereby guaranteeing you will not see what they post and they will not be able to see you. I guarantee you will not like what you see if you check their page or read comments about your new life. There is enough suffering to be had without volunteering for it.

Have people you can call if you are tempted to cave. Dr Ramani advises working toward a feeling of indifference. It will take time but one day you will realize you no longer care what they are up to. One day you will realize you haven't even thought of them and you will be free.

Staying. But, what if you can't leave and have 'no contact'? I trust you to have looked at this from all sides and know why you need to stay, at least for now. You are going to have to work at holding onto yourself with strong, clear, consistent boundaries. If there is financial abuse start separating finances and take over your own expenses as much as possible. If there is emotional or psychological abuse, you are going to need to have super strong boundaries and an idea for how you want to handle situations that arise. It is important to get support from a therapist that is familiar with narcissistic abuse. Start identifying, for yourself, what is unacceptable. Keep a journal so you can tract what you experience and feel. Remember, there isn't anything you can do to get the narcissist to change, agree or validate your position, so don't put your energy there. Stay with yourself.

The narcissist will probably not be happy about the changes you are making and will make it known. Whatever they do, keep yourself safe and don't take the bait. It is so easy to get pulled into explaining, defending, and seeking validation. They will try to goad you into a fight and then blame you, calling you crazy. This is a familiar and hopeless drama the narcissist wants to engage you in. Plan ahead for how you want to care for yourself. Leave the house, or workplace for a short break. Take a walk. Catch your breath in the restroom. Turn on a movie, take a nap or call a supportive friend. Do whatever you can to disengage. There is a method called grey rock that is useful for keeping things calm and neutral. Your intention is to make all your interactions as boring as an old grey rock. If the narcissist can't get you to react, they may give up trying. Dr. Les Carter uses the "nevertheless" approach. For example say " I know you are upset, but nevertheless this is my decision." Do whatever works to maintain your dignity and composure. If you get hooked, recover as soon as you can and kindly forgive yourself. This is not easy work.

Whether you stay or leave, please get all the support you can. I can't say that enough. Get legal help if necessary, find a support group, and get a therapist knowledgeable in supporting survivors of narcissistic abuse. Keep that journal going, start meditating and practice self compassion. Get regular exercise, and attend to the self care that you have been neglecting. From time to time, revisit the decision to stay and see if it is still the best decision you can make.

May we all be safe, happy and healthy.