The Map of Narcissistic Abuse

 

“Narcissists withhold affection to punish you. Withhold attention to get revenge. And withhold an emotional empathetic response to make you feel insecure.” ― Alice Little, Narcissistic Abuse Truths

There are lots of different kinds of abusive relationships and domestic violence situations, but narcissistic abuse is particularly insidious because the damage is to the core of our being. When we have been in a narcissistically abusive relationship it is not uncommon to feel blindsided and betrayed because we have been. Anyone who is in a relationship with a narcissist, whether at work, in a family, a church or with a spouse, went into it with an open heart and a belief that we are all good people. Sadly, that is not always the case, and it's a tough lesson to learn. No matter how hard it is to wrap our heads around, there are cruel people out there. It is helpful, although maybe not the complete solution, to know the map of the territory. Most narcissists are amazingly consistent. If we can take this information and put it in the back of our minds, it will be there to inform us if needed. I hope you never need it.

Most people do not know they are meeting a narcissist. It is common for narcissists to have a wide array of casual relationships and be involved in many activities. On the surface they are interesting and charismatic. It is only when the relationship deepens that we realize something is terribly wrong. There are three stages of narcissistic abuse: Idealization, Devaluation and Discard.

Drop a pin on the map for what is called love bombing or the idealization stage. It can happen in the office when the narcissistic boss showers you with compliments, promises raises and promotions. Love bombing can happen in a church, a family or with a lover but it always looks about the same. The narcissist seems to be everything you ever wanted. They agree with everything you like, have the same feelings and experiences. It is a manipulation designed to pull you in with overwhelming praise, compliments, gifts, time and attention. You are willing to do anything to help the boss that makes you feel so special. You start spending all your time with that new best friend or lover who can't get enough of you. One big tip off is that they are in a real hurry to move the relationship along, seal the deal, and get you hooked. They will make you feel like you can't live without them. None of this is real but we don't know that because we trust and want to believe our dreams are coming true.

Once you're hooked there are two things the narcissist is interested in: Power and Control. For a while your absolute devotion to them works out. But normal people have needs, preferences and desires that may be different from the narcissistic partner. Authentic relationships have disagreements that need to be sorted out. Narcissists can not tolerate disagreement, disapproval or refusals. After so many yes's, your 'no' will cause things to take a turn. We can drop the next pin on our map: Devaluation

It is impossible to perpetuate a fake persona forever. Once they are sure you are devoted and solidly under control, the narcissist begins to show their true self. They may become indifferent, grumpy, sullen, distant, controlling, silent and always angry. They criticize the things they once said they loved. You feel disregarded, and feelings of insecurity start coming up but you are not sure why. You start to question yourself. They become more secretive and trust issues pop up. They will suggest you are too sensitive or crazy. Bringing up feelings or issues, will be met with contempt, disregard, or gaslighting. At first their rejections will be balanced with affection to keep you on the hook and confused. Inconsistent messages will be very confusing, indeed, and you may start to question your sanity. You will try harder to restore the way it was in the beginning but it doesn't happen. Sadly, we aren't done yet.

Once the narcissist has decided to move on, we drop the last pin on the Discard point of the map.

This is painful to even write about. Once the narcissist has gotten everything they can from you and broken down your ability to discern any reality but theirs, you will be coldly discarded. No longer interesting or challenging to them, your adoration now becomes a needy burden. You are left feeling worthless, confused and wondering how you could have failed this relationship so terribly. By this stage, victims of narcissistic abuse often feel they deserve to be discarded. In fact nothing could be farther from the truth. You can't save the relationship because it was never real to begin with and you did nothing wrong. Let me say that again: you did nothing wrong. You loved, and trusted and did your best to be a partner. The whole relationship was a fabrication designed to get you to give the narcissist what they needed. Before it finally comes apart there will be cold disregard, withholding of care, information, appreciation and maybe financial support. They will do all they can to let you know that you never mattered. Finally, they leave or you have had enough, and leave them. At this point the narcissist quite possibly will play the role of victim and conduct a smear campaign designed to finish you off. They will quickly move on to the next 'soul mate', corporation, or parish, leaving you in pain and confusion. It is a horror show of a cycle.

It is important to talk about this because there are more and more people finding themselves unwitting victims of narcissistic abuse. Our innocence makes us vulnerable. As the saying goes, you don't know what you don't know. Take time getting to know people. Getting swept off our feet by a boss, minister or lover, may feel good at first but it can bite us hard on the butt later. If that love and devotion is real, and those compliments authentic, they won't go away if you take your time. Your gut and intuition have a wisdom your brain does not. Pay attention to them. Stay aware, and believe what people tell and show you. Do your best to hold onto your inner authority. Do not give your power away to anyone. It is important to keep doing our own work to strengthen a sense of self, and heal old wounds that can make us vulnerable. That means, after a time of shock, blame and finger pointing, we need to take the focus off the abuser and start looking inside. Sometimes we make painful mistakes. Let's learn as much as we can from them and look to a healthy future.